04 December 2014


Wow, I haven't updated this in FOREVER!  Big things are happening, big big things. Our baby girl is 2. What? That's freaking crazy yo! I can't believe my baby girl is so grown up. She's so smart & full of energy. She's just like me which is good & bad. She's got my temper for sure. She knows her alphabet & we work on numbers. She's obsessed with the moon, clocks, trucks, buses, etc. She loves to be read to & to read herself. She loves fake talking on the phone but not so much real talking on the phone. She was 20 lbs at her 2 year appt & yesterday our scale said 21.6 lbs which usually is off by a pound or 2. Still I'd say she's about 22 lbs. Grow girl grow!

We found out this week we'll be moving & I am SO stressed about it. We found out they are raising our rent & we really can't afford that with the new changes coming in 2015. We'll be getting a new vehicle & have some things to buy so we can't put more towards rent. We found a place on post which will most likely be our new place. I'm not thrilled about being on post but there are some huge pros for it. Like no deposit & free rent for a few months. We don't have extra money for another deposit & being able to pocket a few weeks of BAH/rent to put towards the credit card or whatever will be so nice. On post place has 4 bedrooms even, which is super nice. It's 2 stories though, blah, but I guess that's nice. People sleeping won't be disturbed by people watching tv or whatever. The livingroom is under the master bedroom. The master is WAY smaller than we have now but the one now is HUGE! I hope we're able to fit everything in there. It might be a tight squeeze but we'll make due. We'll also have an extra bedroom if needed, before it becomes kid #2's room. The 4th bedroom, guest room, is down the hall from the other 3 rooms so our guests will have a little privacy. Also, that extra room could be a 2nd guest room if needed. We don't usually have so many people we need 2 rooms but it's happened. Anyways, moving. Ugh, Suck! If we pick on post, which come on, it's pretty set because of those huge pros aka no out of pocket money & pocketing some, we have to sign by 31 Dec. That'll give us all of January to move on post & clean this place. We have to be out of this place by 31 January but that'll easily be done having a place already. We'll start moving things over ASAP, the first days/weekend.

Anyways, I guess that's about it. The important things at least. :)

16 February 2014


I miss my family, I don't like being so far away. I've always hated that the military takes me away from our families & all the events that happen with them. I miss that, I miss the normalcy of going to birthday parties, weddings, gatherings. Since moving to Tn, it seems worse. I talk to my grandma more & she seems so sad. I know I'd probably end up mad if I was actually able to visit because she's so judgemental & she'd say something to offend me. So it's better that I just send cards & pictures and I talk to her on the phone once in a while. My dad & brother are in AR visiting my dad's dad. He's in the hospital & while I don't feel a connection to that grandpa, I do want to see my dad & brother, more my dad. They're only 7 hours away but with Hersh it's not feasible to pick up & go. I can't drive alone, that's too long for Katie to not go full breakdown. Shoot, she has about a million as it is. Terrible 1.5's! It makes me sad that our families are missing watching Katie grow up. I know they'll visit but once or twice a year to see your grandbabies is not ok. That sucks! :( I wish she got more extended family time. But I guess it is what it is.

Mike found out we may not be at Campbell for the full 3 years. This is an air assault post & because Mike has a profile he can't go to Air Assault school, therefore they don't want him here. We just moved so we're guessing it'll be a little while before they'd move us, maybe another year and by then Mike is hoping he's ready for the school. He just needs to lose the weight & get physically better so he can do it. He asked where I wanted to go. He brought up Irwin(southern Ca) or Riley(Ks, my brother lives in Ks). Both of those are more for me & being closer to family. I've been to Irwin once & honestly I'd be fine without ever going back. It's in the middle of NOWHERE! But it's also 5-6 hours from HOME! Back Home! What would beat being so darn close to family. I could go stay with them for a week here or there, go to family gatherings, etc. Nothing would beat being SO close to them. Except that it'd be because of being stationed in Irwin. Riley, the only upside I know is being close to my brother and we're actually not that's close (relationship). I like seeing him & spending time with him but I don't know, we're different I guess. I'm closer to my sister than my brother. Anyways, so we may be leaving Campbell sooner than the 3 years but I guess time will tell on that. And where we go, who knows. I know Mike mentioned Bragg right after we got here so who knows, maybe it'd be Bragg. It needs to be where Mike wants to go or he won't be happy. Truly, it's his needs/wants above everything else and that kind of sucks but I know that's how it is. Like I said, if it's not where he wants, he won't be happy and that'd make for a miserable life.

Anyways, back to life. Bye blog world! :)

09 February 2014


I turned 30 yesterday, the big 3 0. Do I feel different? Yes. I know I'm the same person but I don't know, I feel like 30 is a big deal. 30 is ADULT, 30 is has your shit together or get it together. I've never been a partyer but it might've helped if Mike was. I get sleepy when I drink but I do, if I drink fast enough or enough alcohol get loud & become a babbler mouth. Hasn't happened in a few years. Now one drink & I'm ready for bed. Anyways, adult-hood. I feel like I should be doing something with my life & I know I'm not. Yes I'm a mother but I feel like I'm failing at that. I'm not happy with my life, with what I'm doing with it. I feel like I'm not contributing anything to this world. I won't get into the marriage aspect because that seriously needs work. On both sides. I'm more thinking of myself on this "what is your life", though my marriage a chunk of that.

Motherhood. Gosh, I'm bad at it. I thought "if only God would bless us, if only, I'd SHOW him! I'd show him how good of a mother I'd be. I wouldn't do all those things those bad mothers do". Pst! I don't pass my kids off on other people & I will never do that. Sorry, I wanted to be a mother & it's my job to be a full time mother. I'm comfortable leaving her with family to go out on an errand, for like an hour or two. And we did leave her for not even 48 hours, for our 10th Anniversary Getaway (which was only an hour away in case). But that's it. I've done tons of things I said I wouldn't though. I've yelled, I've gotten angry, I've ignored her, I've used tv as a babysitter or really, more as entertainment. It gets annoying not being able to walk without stepping over a kid, not being able to clean because miss brat is throwing a fit, being able to keep a room clean, having to clean the same room for the 3rd time that day or afternoon. Some nights I can't wait for her to go to sleep, most nights. I feel like a bad mom for all this. I feel like a bad mom & wife sorta that our 48 hour vacation was some of the best hours of my life. To be KID FREE! Our marriage was back to normal for those hours, I can relax for those hours. Then I think, oh my gosh, you LOVED the hours without your kid. I did. Our lives were back to the way it was before she came. Free! But would I trade her for our old life? No. I wanted her for a reason & I am so glad we were blessed. Am I bad mom? Reading this you'd definitely think yes, haha. And yes, sometimes I am a bad mom. I know it. But at times I'm a good mom, great mom even. But the bad mom moments always stick out to me. My kid is delayed on most things & I hear "its normal". Doesn't seem normal, how much longer it takes for her. I blame myself for it. Not because we don't work with her(we do), not because we don't encourage her(we definitely do), but there is some reason she's not getting it. Some reason she's behind. Anyways. I feel like a failure at motherhood.

Life/Career/Passion/ANYTHING! I feel like a personal failure. Because of my weight, my body, & no education. I don't have the strength or motivation to do anything. We don't go do things, fun things, because I'm in so much pain just walking for a few mins. I can shop, grocery shop, etc but an extended times. Carrying Katie hurts my back, walking around a zoo hurts my back immensely to where it locks up & I can barely move. I cleaned both bathroom & my very deep soaking tub killed my back to clean. I actually pulled something & have been in pain for 4 days. 4 fucking days! This weight is killing my back & I know I need to eat right & lose it. I need to exercise, but it hurts so bad. I've done it before & I know it involved so much pain & tears. Frustration & anger. But in a few months I was back to a normal human who could WALK & DO THINGS, FUN THINGS! I know I need to get on it, I want to be able to talk Katie to fun places, explore places to expand her mind. She's so smart & so curious. Other than weight, I'm doing nothing with my life. I didn't go to college, I don't do anything to make money. I liked photography & I liked cake decorating. Both are extremely physically taxing on your body. I thought (before we moved) I'll make bows, people always buy bows. Shoot, even if it was just for Katie to have a cute bow always. :) They can't be that hard right. :) Doesn't really interest me that much. Sounds interesting & fairly easy though, points for that. So, I think I'd like to get into cake decorating again but sadly know I couldn't handle the physical aspect. Oh, being on my feet that long & kneading/rolling fondant, or smoothing out butter cream. Big picture, I'm Lazy. I know I am. I need to change it. But it'll be hard. It'd also help if it wasn't freaking freezing here. Not getting above 32 all week & then highs of 38 all weekend. What the heck! Another excuse but a valid one at least. That is really cold.

So, I'm 30 & I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Other than my kid, who I do extremely love, I just want to be something more than just a mom. I want to feel like I actually bring something to this life/world/marriage. I don't know. Debby Downer right here.