The bad side of Motherhood

I love being a mother & seeing my baby grow and blossom. I just moved her into her big girl carseat AKA convertible one which daddy was hesitant. I had to take the old one out before he'd use the big girl one, which takes up more room unfortunately! She now high chair sits at restaurants or in a shopping cart. She's nearly crawling & that's exciting! "Oh, you'll not be able to sit soon". She's all over now, what's the difference? She already goes after dog toys & she rolls every where.

So the downside, especially when you know babies about the same age. The stress & worry about whether your baby is progressing like she should. She's slower than everyone else. She has a cousin who is 2 months younger but bigger and more advanced. Cousin started sitting first & I think cousin is crawling or nearly crawling which is where Katie is. I feel like Katie is judged and it sucks. Katie is TINY for her age, well maybe not tiny but very small. I'm sorry my kid isn't a heffer, my kid isn't normal weight & height for her size. I'm sorry so & so is younger but in bigger clothes. My nearly 9 month(3 days shy) old just moved up to 6-9m clothes, which doesn't seem that behind really. They're big on her but 6m are tight. I know I judge her against other babies too. I feel like it's a reflection on me, like I'm doing something wrong. That sounds bad, what I mean is I feel like I'm failing her. All babies are different, I know. Katie also doesn't eat normal for her age. 20-24 oz of formula plus solids is what she should be eating. 24 is about her total for the day, with solids. About 50/50 solids/formula. Katie sleeps about 10 hrs a night & goes 12 hrs between feedings over night. (she usually gets a short burst of energy after night meal) Only leaves 12 hrs for meals, which is 4 of them. 3 of which include solids. She has her 9 month appt on Wednesday & I'll talk to the doctor but I'm not sure what I can do. All in all, I don't care if she doesn't eat as much or if she's behind other babies her age or even younger as long as the doctor is ok with it & she's healthy! All I want is for her to be healthy! It's hard not to judge your baby against other babies. But so & so is already doing this, so many babies are doing this already or so & so is younger and already doing this, why isn't Katie? Katie has NO desire to walk or bounce in toys. She's definitely going to be a late walker which might work out good for our move in September. Late, Early, gosh the stress. At least she's a good solids eater. She loves her solids & she loves her finger food snacks. That's one thing she's not behind on, my kid LOVES more advanced foods or maybe they're age appropriate foods. Just seems weird she's already eating finger foods/small chunks of food. Wasn't I just pregnant & awaiting her arrival? It goes fast, that's for sure.

Welp, rant/whine/blog over. I hate insomnia!

Who is in the house?!

I've had experiences in this house & Mike always thinks I'm crazy. "You were asleep", "You're paranoid", "It's in your head". What's funny is when people actually talk about it a lot of people have had experiences. So, fast forward! About a week ago Mike turned it to this show about spirits or weird experiences. I'm always afraid to watch these shows because I'm afraid it's going to spark activity. The one story I remember about this show a week(ish) ago is about a man trying to pay a bill late at night & 2 "kids" walk up to his car. They want a ride but he's cautious & won't let them in. Turns out "kids" are evil, no eyed, spirits or whatever the heck. So, since that show little things have happened here. Things not being where I left them-ok, I'm absent minded & I really didn't leave them where I thought. A few days ago though things I can't explain started. It started Saturday. Our hallway is shaped like an upside down L. I was holding Katie on the couch & she kept staring down the hallway, towards the corner. She'd stared for a long time & then look at me, then stare again for a long time, then look at me. She did this for probably 5 mins. She was seeing something & I don't know if it's good or bad and that scares me. Sunday I was going to make a pb&j so I went to get the peanut butter & noticed the lid was off. Now, it's on the top shelf & I haven't used it in quite a while. But ok, lid wasn't screwed. That'd be fine except the lid was sitting on top of the cracker box which wasn't behind the pb until the day before. I got groceries & slide the box behind the pb. So, that was really weird & I'm sure some people could say me moving the box hit the jar just right to make the lid fall. But you can't explain my child staring down the hall for 5 mins & looking at me with an unsure face. I even tried to distract her & make her smile, which she did but then she stared back down the hall. She saw something, someone was there. And you better believe every night I pray/tell any bad/harmful spirits to get out of my house & away from my family. Also pray for protection. Brings us to today. I smell cigarette smoke, in the corner area of the hallway. At first it was very faint but it's something you know it when you smell it. I'm putting up folded clothes & each time I walk by it's stronger. I switched out Katie's clothes for larger one (could've waited, she still fit in 6m but I'm in a cleaning frame of mind lately. Probably because we'll have company in just over 1.5 weeks) & when I walked through the area again it had moved more to our room. Before I started the Katie clothes task I said "I know someone is here so somehow let me know who you are". Then I sat on the floor pulling out the smaller clothes which took about 5 mins. I left to get bigger clothes & when I walked back into our room smelled the strong smoke, like whoever is here was watching me. My first thought is my grandma Peggy, she's just the first one I think of when I think of spirits visiting. I've dreamt visited Jenny but I don't think she smoked. I believe grandma Peggy did. I think a few people did so it could be someone else but who knows. I wish I could communicate with loved ones and obviously someone is here. Katie has seen them & I've smelled them.