12 August 2013


Our lives have changed so much this year, the last few years. I lost 30 lbs, got pregnant, gained a bunch but got to watch our miracle I prayed years for grow. Our miracle is now a year, WHAT! *cry cry* It was so bittersweet to celebrate her birth-day & her party. Her actual birthday was at an A's game, they lost, & her party was that Saturday (aug 3rd). It was so so so so bittersweet. My baby has grown. She doesn't like baby food & wants to feed herself. I don't have the patiences most of the time for her to spoon/fork feed herself but she's great with finger foods. She's a pretty good eater, variety wise, but I worry about the amount she eats. I knew exactly how much baby food she ate because I weighed it or the jar said so. Yes, I was lazy sometimes & used gerber. Also used the same jar to make baby food, so convenient! Now she feeds herself & seems she eats so little. It's frustrating. She's only gained, according to our scale, .2 lb in 7-8 weeks. GAIN KID GAIN!!! I thought for sure she'd be 15-15.5 lbs by now, she feels heavy. Nope, not even 15 (first thing in the morning). Her 1 year appt is today at 2 so she should have a good amount of food in her, definitely should be over 15 lbs. *Fingers crossed* She crawls like crazy & walks along furniture & toys. She's not too sure about the push-walker but we'll get there.

We lost a member of our family, Cinnamon. Cinn bit/attacked Katie so when we went to CA we gave her to Mike's brother. Katie only ended up with 3 little gashes & was completely fine. We couldn't keep Cinn & our options were putting her down or giving her to Mike's brother. He's always wanted her so it was our choice. Now I will tell you right now I don't give a rat's ass what you think we should've done. Most people think she should've been put down but she wasn't their dog & it wasn't their decision. It was ours & we made the one that felt right. Turns out brother expected a perfect dog & failed to realize she'd have issues after being uprooted from the life she's known for 3 years. We were her at least 3rd family & her longest family. It can't be easy. Also apparently she's left for long periods of time. Honestly I wish we would've put her down because she deserves better. I thought she was going to a family who had time for her & boatloads of love. They knew she needed a ton of attention & assured us she would get it. I don't know where she is, if they're still trying or not. I want to know but don't because it might not be a pretty situation. And I'm not talking for Cinn, I'm talking for me & what I may do. It didn't hit me, giving her up, until we got home. I miss her terribly & want her back. I know that's not an option, I can't have an aggressive dog around our daughter, but I wish it was. It's weird not having her here & I think there will always be a piece missing from my life. She was my dog-daughter & I expected to always have her.

Once again, I'm trying to get healthy. I let myself go badly and now that little miss is eating big people food and likes veggies/fruit I need to set an example. She wants to eat whatever you're eating so no more chips & crackers, no more junk. I have to share so I need to be eating something I'll feel good about sharing. Hopefully I can lost a grip of weight too!!! :)

Well that's it. Tschuess!

12 July 2013

Horrible Mom

We seem to find ourselves between a rock & a hard place with it seems no place to go. On Wednesday, while I was in the bathroom Cinnamon attacked Katie. From what I gathered Cinnamon was sleeping on the couch & got spooked when Katie crawled into the room. Yeah, big bad 14.5 lb crawling baby. Katie ended up with scratches & 3 gashes on her head & forehead. They didn't seem super bad so I tried to treat them myself. We did end up taking her to the ER & she just ended up needing sterile strips to close/go over the little gashes. She's on an antibiotics too. We knew we couldn't keep Cinnamon, not after attacking Katie. She's always been a growly bitch but it seems to be increasing. When Cinn sleeps she wants no one around her, to come near her, or even move! We didn't want Cinn put down because she can be loving & she is nice to Katie when she wants to be. She's kissed Katie & tried to play with her. But Katie will continue to grow & become more mobile. She'll grab more & just .. yeah. Another attack would happen & Cinn would be put down. So we found a new home for her with a family member. Fast forward to now. Cinnamon has always seem to have skin issues on her belly. I don't know if the ants bite her or she lays in plants that irritate her skin, whatever. Usually goldbond helps. So I'm sure her skin was irritated before but after the attack & being kenneled by us for a few hours she has caused herself harm. She scratched the crap out of her belly & underarms. She has a puss-filled lump under one arm. We put boots on her back feet & got a cone to stop all scratching & licking but she needs to see a vet. Bad! Only problem, she's on 10 day quarantine! I mentioned going to get her shots before heading to Ca & the guy looked like he was going to harm me! She's not allowed to leave the house, no if's, ands, or buts! I'm trying to treat/help her the best I can but I'm not a vet. I tried an epsom salt soak/rag which probably really didn't help. Why would it? Salty water soak on red irritated skin? Stupid online suggestion! I didn't think it through, it probably was so incredibly painful, but I was just trying to help! Then I made an oatmeal paste we left on for a little while. I think that did help but she's still so messed up. Touching even near the area makes her jump & jerk. She has to slowly inches herself down to sleep. For the longest time last night she wouldn't even lay down, it hurt her too much. After the oatmeal she did lay down, slowly but surely. I'll continue to do oatmeal treatments but I really need Mike to help because someone has to hold her & try to calm her. Also, SHE NEEDS A VET! Mike is suppose to call & explain the situation but I have little faith. In any other case not taking her to the vet would be animal cruelty. She's in pain, serious pain, & we can't do anything about it. If I had only put Katie in the playpen after our nap & while I went to the bathroom. It was only 30 seconds but Katie is fast & Cinnamon was in a mood I guess. If only I had listened to my conscious! Something told me I should put Katie in the playpen, not let her free, but ... I didn't listen. I didn't listen & I regret it so incredibly much. Now my child has wounds on her forehead & Cinnamon has wounds too that can't be properly treated. Also, we have to give Cinnamon away. To someone who has loved her since he met her, actually before he met her because he loves bassets, but still to someone else. In a way I feel we're abandoning her. We rescued her from the pound, we were suppose to be her forever family. She has issues & I wonder if her new home/parents can handle them. I know they'll love her & probably give her way more attention than we can. Don't get me wrong, this dog gets tons of attention, but she's also jealous of all other attention Hershey & Katie get. But she does have issues. Will she bark too much for them? For their neighbors? Will she rebel from being rehomed & run away or be aggressive? I just have concerns but I guess they don't matter. It's this new home or be put down. It'll do her good to be the only dog in the house & that's what she'll be with her new family. We'll take her to Ca & not bring her back. That'll be weird. But I know she'll be so loved & spoiled. I just really hope they can accept her, flaws and all. At least she has a second chance. Really, it's like her 4th. She was found on the street by her previous owner so we're her at least 3rd owner. I expected her last but ... life happens I guess. :( I just really hope we're able to get her vet care before we leave. The day her quarantine is lifted is the day we're suppose to leave. That's still a week away & she can't wait a week to be treated. Not when it hurts her to walk or move. I'm afraid if we take her against their will they'll take her so I really hope they understand & let us get her treated! Poor Cinnamon & poor Katie! At least Katie isn't afraid of the dogs. She went right up to Hershey after getting home from the ER. Cinnamon mostly stays away from Katie but she has kissed her hand & walked by her. Well, that's about it. My epic mom fail! I let my daughter & dog-daughter down!

19 June 2013

June already!

I can't believe this year is nearly half over. When the heck did that happen?! And when did my baby, my teeny tiny baby, become almost 11 months?! It's crazy that I'm planning her birthday & by planning I mean I found a theme & the supplies for cheap. I've yet to actually order them. :) I need too though so I can send out the invitations! Anyways, our munchkin is still tiny. Just over 14.5 lbs which I think is still like the size of a 6 month old. She's basically in size 9 month clothes though, I just need to switch out the clothes in her dresser. I will most likely next week, closer to her 11 month birthday. :)

Healthy. Well, something clicked & I knew it was time to finally lose weight. I've just been gaining & gaining & gaining. I gained back the 30 lbs I lost in 2011 plus 20 more pounds! Boo Me! I stepped on the scale yesterday & walked out the door a short time later(.76 miles). Got a new(to me) jogging stroller & walked out the door last night with hubby & dogs this time(.49). Ended up walking 1.25 miles yesterday which is so great for a first day. I tried to go back & see what my distances were from when I first started & the best I found was doing .88 in September which is at least 2-4 weeks after starting walking. I was doing Curves back then though also & I'm not anymore. Hard to go with a baby & no babysitter really close. Today I went back out & did .77. It wasn't easy to get out that door, I almost didn't go. I was so sore already & I pushed myself twice yesterday. Pushed myself on the first walk & then pushed myself to go back out. I knew today's walk would not be good but decided even .5 mile is .5 mile. It was easier than I thought it'd be & easier than yesterday. I stopped 5 times yesterday, every 2-4 minutes. Today I made it nearly 13 minutes before stopping for the first & only time. My body is more ready & stronger than I realized. I am EXTREMELY sore & stiff now though. But I'm just starting & really hope I keep up the walking. My body deserves it. Eating...well, that's a different story. Hoping all these cravings are just from the time of the month. Hope hope!

Last Saturday, for Father's Day, Mike & I had our first date day. Our marriage has been extremely strained. With baby, Mike being on post/working from 5am-5:30pm, his once a week basketball date(an hour), & his 2 classes there is no time for us. I know I'm not the best wife but he's definitely not been a good husband at all. He sees me staying home as being lazy/not doing anything. He gets "me" time, he gets to go to the gym & socialize with people. I'm at home. We've been trying to save money so he's been taking my car. Now I literally stuck at home with no opportunity to socialize. Anyways, our marriage is strained but I think it's getting better. The date day did seem to help somewhat. :) I think these walks will be good for me too because it is kinda ME time. I'm pushing baby but it's still like calm peaceful time for me. :)

Welp, that's life in a nutshell. Time to get back to baby. :)

13 June 2013

A letter to my 21 yr old self

A friend wrote a letter to her 21 yr old self. I thought it was an interesting idea but also kind of stupid. Why write a letter to the person you were years ago. Her letter to herself pissed me off at points. I know she was writing about her own experiences & how she felt but some of the things seemed.... well, I won't say because I'm not trying to start drama, not that she'll read this but ok, whatever!

What I would tell myself if somehow, someway, my 21 yr old self could read this!!!

Dear Younger Me! First off, GET HEALTHY!!! Please please please for the sake of a healthier person, take charge & get healthy. Start to love exercise & eating better. You seriously just spiral down so far. It's not pretty. Food taste good now, to fix the bad, celebrate the good, etc but what it leads too is not worth it. I still need to take this advice.

Your marriage will get worse! Oh it will! But it also gets better. You do end up having great times & making great memories. Make good friends with MaryAnn now, she's a super sweet person! :) Also, what happened at your wedding, the mean hateful thing, will be apologized for. The relationship with certain people will get better but it'll never be that super close bond some lucky girls get. Other relationships don't even bother. It is not worth the pain inflicted on you because you're trying to be the better person & help. Just don't! Some people will always be self-centered & full of drama. Even when it's not your fault or you've done nothing wrong you will be blamed & be made to be the bad person. So yeah, don't even try to create that bond!

Baby names, Keep Your Darn Mouth SHUT!!! Trust me, trust me, trust me! Two separate people will use 2 names each you really like. Can you believe that? 2 separate people, each using 2 names on one child. For freaks sake Lisa, shut your trap! :) As for babies....you already somewhat know, you have a feeling, but yes, you will suffer with infertility & it will hurt like hell. A million immature, irresponsible, usually younger, people will get knocked up before you. You will see druggies, single parents, horrible parents, etc get knocked up time & time again before you, usually accidentally. Don't use food to heal the hurt because you will encounter A LOT OF IT! Also why I'm telling you to take care of yourself health wise! Fight the doctors to look past your weight & find the real issue. Because it is partially your weight but IT IS MORE! Your miracle will come. After many many many years, he/she will come.

Realize some friendship aren't real friendship. And cherish others! Jenny was a HUGE liar & it's frustrating but she will become the most caring loving person when you need her most! For her 22nd birthday don't be cheap & do party in a hotel room. It will be one of your biggest regrets if you don't. You will see her again but not in the way you think.

Deployments/Germany! You will encounter a few deployments & they majorly suck! You can make it through them. Your marriage will be strained & tested at times. Your marriage really is strong enough to make it through those. Germany, enjoy it more! Agree to travel with Mike, see more of that beautiful country.

Sincerely, 29 yr old you!

27 April 2013

The bad side of Motherhood

I love being a mother & seeing my baby grow and blossom. I just moved her into her big girl carseat AKA convertible one which daddy was hesitant. I had to take the old one out before he'd use the big girl one, which takes up more room unfortunately! She now high chair sits at restaurants or in a shopping cart. She's nearly crawling & that's exciting! "Oh, you'll not be able to sit soon". She's all over now, what's the difference? She already goes after dog toys & she rolls every where.

So the downside, especially when you know babies about the same age. The stress & worry about whether your baby is progressing like she should. She's slower than everyone else. She has a cousin who is 2 months younger but bigger and more advanced. Cousin started sitting first & I think cousin is crawling or nearly crawling which is where Katie is. I feel like Katie is judged and it sucks. Katie is TINY for her age, well maybe not tiny but very small. I'm sorry my kid isn't a heffer, my kid isn't normal weight & height for her size. I'm sorry so & so is younger but in bigger clothes. My nearly 9 month(3 days shy) old just moved up to 6-9m clothes, which doesn't seem that behind really. They're big on her but 6m are tight. I know I judge her against other babies too. I feel like it's a reflection on me, like I'm doing something wrong. That sounds bad, what I mean is I feel like I'm failing her. All babies are different, I know. Katie also doesn't eat normal for her age. 20-24 oz of formula plus solids is what she should be eating. 24 is about her total for the day, with solids. About 50/50 solids/formula. Katie sleeps about 10 hrs a night & goes 12 hrs between feedings over night. (she usually gets a short burst of energy after night meal) Only leaves 12 hrs for meals, which is 4 of them. 3 of which include solids. She has her 9 month appt on Wednesday & I'll talk to the doctor but I'm not sure what I can do. All in all, I don't care if she doesn't eat as much or if she's behind other babies her age or even younger as long as the doctor is ok with it & she's healthy! All I want is for her to be healthy! It's hard not to judge your baby against other babies. But so & so is already doing this, so many babies are doing this already or so & so is younger and already doing this, why isn't Katie? Katie has NO desire to walk or bounce in toys. She's definitely going to be a late walker which might work out good for our move in September. Late, Early, gosh the stress. At least she's a good solids eater. She loves her solids & she loves her finger food snacks. That's one thing she's not behind on, my kid LOVES more advanced foods or maybe they're age appropriate foods. Just seems weird she's already eating finger foods/small chunks of food. Wasn't I just pregnant & awaiting her arrival? It goes fast, that's for sure.

Welp, rant/whine/blog over. I hate insomnia!

23 April 2013

Who is in the house?!

I've had experiences in this house & Mike always thinks I'm crazy. "You were asleep", "You're paranoid", "It's in your head". What's funny is when people actually talk about it a lot of people have had experiences. So, fast forward! About a week ago Mike turned it to this show about spirits or weird experiences. I'm always afraid to watch these shows because I'm afraid it's going to spark activity. The one story I remember about this show a week(ish) ago is about a man trying to pay a bill late at night & 2 "kids" walk up to his car. They want a ride but he's cautious & won't let them in. Turns out "kids" are evil, no eyed, spirits or whatever the heck. So, since that show little things have happened here. Things not being where I left them-ok, I'm absent minded & I really didn't leave them where I thought. A few days ago though things I can't explain started. It started Saturday. Our hallway is shaped like an upside down L. I was holding Katie on the couch & she kept staring down the hallway, towards the corner. She'd stared for a long time & then look at me, then stare again for a long time, then look at me. She did this for probably 5 mins. She was seeing something & I don't know if it's good or bad and that scares me. Sunday I was going to make a pb&j so I went to get the peanut butter & noticed the lid was off. Now, it's on the top shelf & I haven't used it in quite a while. But ok, lid wasn't screwed. That'd be fine except the lid was sitting on top of the cracker box which wasn't behind the pb until the day before. I got groceries & slide the box behind the pb. So, that was really weird & I'm sure some people could say me moving the box hit the jar just right to make the lid fall. But you can't explain my child staring down the hall for 5 mins & looking at me with an unsure face. I even tried to distract her & make her smile, which she did but then she stared back down the hall. She saw something, someone was there. And you better believe every night I pray/tell any bad/harmful spirits to get out of my house & away from my family. Also pray for protection. Brings us to today. I smell cigarette smoke, in the corner area of the hallway. At first it was very faint but it's something you know it when you smell it. I'm putting up folded clothes & each time I walk by it's stronger. I switched out Katie's clothes for larger one (could've waited, she still fit in 6m but I'm in a cleaning frame of mind lately. Probably because we'll have company in just over 1.5 weeks) & when I walked through the area again it had moved more to our room. Before I started the Katie clothes task I said "I know someone is here so somehow let me know who you are". Then I sat on the floor pulling out the smaller clothes which took about 5 mins. I left to get bigger clothes & when I walked back into our room smelled the strong smoke, like whoever is here was watching me. My first thought is my grandma Peggy, she's just the first one I think of when I think of spirits visiting. I've dreamt visited Jenny but I don't think she smoked. I believe grandma Peggy did. I think a few people did so it could be someone else but who knows. I wish I could communicate with loved ones and obviously someone is here. Katie has seen them & I've smelled them.