10 January 2015

Moving Moving!

There are sure a lot of stresses right now & it sucks! Unexpected & Expected.

We're in middle of a move & it sucks! But I think we're making good progress. We've moved over most of Katie's room, at least the smaller things like all the closet, all her books, most of the toys. We could probably & should probably move more toys over, I swear they come out of nowhere. We have all of the linen/bedding closet moved, all of the baby stuff moved & all but the bed of the spare room moved. We have most of my extra/smaller clothes moved & we'll take a load with kitchen stuff today. We're trucking along on this move & it's really nice we have a full month to move. We're moving on post into a 4 bedroom town home style(2 story, ugh, suck me) home. The kitchen is tiny, the backyard is itty bitty, but Katie will get a play room AND there are 4 bedrooms! We have an actual guest room! Which yes, the big walk in closet will be our storage room BUT it's a room a little bit separate from the other rooms. In my opinion, a true guest room! The 3rd bedroom will be our crap/storage/baby room stuff room for now. It may become a 2nd kid's room but we're not decided. I guess it'll depend on if our second child is a boy or girl. I'm not worried about it now, I'm just focused on moving. The master is smaller than now but I hope it still fits all we need it to fit & the walk in closet is bigger. The best thing is we have a whole month to move over to the new home. On post ran a special where you get 2.5 months of rent free so that allowed us to sign in January & give us the month to move. We have to be out of this home by January 30th.

Good thing we're pocketing a month of rent in February also because our car needs major work. The air bag system/computer went out so it needs a brand new one or no air bags will deploy. It's a $1000 part, plus another $100 part for gas fumes. Add man hours, a new oil change, the diagnosis cost & we're probably going to be talking $2000. I HOPE for only $2000. It's going to wipe out of savings. We're going to have to really focus on building our savings this year, which that February rent will totally help & I guess some of the tax rebate also. Just sucks because the rebate was suppose to go fully towards the credit card. We're putting more money towards this car in the last 12 months than the damn thing is actually worth. But we need 2 vehicles & Mike's mustang is just not it! That thing has more issues than the Pontiac but Mike will never sell it. He refuses to realize it is a money pit or he jus doesn't care that it is. About that stupid thing, we're going to have to save so we can ship it to Ca sometime before we move again. We don't plan to move until the army makes us so we have 2 years or should.

We got another vehicle, a van. I didn't want to get it until February/March but Mike insisted we needed to look at them ASAP. Then we had to buy it ASAP. So December 29th we drove off, or Mike did, in our new 2011 Town & Country. It's a Touring L so that means it has bells & whistles which is AWESOME! Heated seats, heated steering wheel, power doors!, power tailgate, all stow & go seats which helps for moving! There are screens built in for the back 4 windows!!!! That is seriously super awesome to me, that there are sun screens/shields for those windows because you seriously need them with kids. It has navigation, Sirius radio, touch screen monitor. It's awesome basically. And seriously, I didn't want to get it when we did but now it's a life saver. It makes moving so much easier & we actually still have a family vehicle even though the Pontiac is in the shop. It's a good thing Mike insisted on it, we'd be lost right now without it.

Well, I guess one last little bit of news. We're expecting & are a few days(I hope) from finding out whether we're having a boy or girl. Our family will be complete in June 2015.

04 December 2014


Wow, I haven't updated this in FOREVER!  Big things are happening, big big things. Our baby girl is 2. What? That's freaking crazy yo! I can't believe my baby girl is so grown up. She's so smart & full of energy. She's just like me which is good & bad. She's got my temper for sure. She knows her alphabet & we work on numbers. She's obsessed with the moon, clocks, trucks, buses, etc. She loves to be read to & to read herself. She loves fake talking on the phone but not so much real talking on the phone. She was 20 lbs at her 2 year appt & yesterday our scale said 21.6 lbs which usually is off by a pound or 2. Still I'd say she's about 22 lbs. Grow girl grow!

We found out this week we'll be moving & I am SO stressed about it. We found out they are raising our rent & we really can't afford that with the new changes coming in 2015. We'll be getting a new vehicle & have some things to buy so we can't put more towards rent. We found a place on post which will most likely be our new place. I'm not thrilled about being on post but there are some huge pros for it. Like no deposit & free rent for a few months. We don't have extra money for another deposit & being able to pocket a few weeks of BAH/rent to put towards the credit card or whatever will be so nice. On post place has 4 bedrooms even, which is super nice. It's 2 stories though, blah, but I guess that's nice. People sleeping won't be disturbed by people watching tv or whatever. The livingroom is under the master bedroom. The master is WAY smaller than we have now but the one now is HUGE! I hope we're able to fit everything in there. It might be a tight squeeze but we'll make due. We'll also have an extra bedroom if needed, before it becomes kid #2's room. The 4th bedroom, guest room, is down the hall from the other 3 rooms so our guests will have a little privacy. Also, that extra room could be a 2nd guest room if needed. We don't usually have so many people we need 2 rooms but it's happened. Anyways, moving. Ugh, Suck! If we pick on post, which come on, it's pretty set because of those huge pros aka no out of pocket money & pocketing some, we have to sign by 31 Dec. That'll give us all of January to move on post & clean this place. We have to be out of this place by 31 January but that'll easily be done having a place already. We'll start moving things over ASAP, the first days/weekend.

Anyways, I guess that's about it. The important things at least. :)

16 February 2014


I miss my family, I don't like being so far away. I've always hated that the military takes me away from our families & all the events that happen with them. I miss that, I miss the normalcy of going to birthday parties, weddings, gatherings. Since moving to Tn, it seems worse. I talk to my grandma more & she seems so sad. I know I'd probably end up mad if I was actually able to visit because she's so judgemental & she'd say something to offend me. So it's better that I just send cards & pictures and I talk to her on the phone once in a while. My dad & brother are in AR visiting my dad's dad. He's in the hospital & while I don't feel a connection to that grandpa, I do want to see my dad & brother, more my dad. They're only 7 hours away but with Hersh it's not feasible to pick up & go. I can't drive alone, that's too long for Katie to not go full breakdown. Shoot, she has about a million as it is. Terrible 1.5's! It makes me sad that our families are missing watching Katie grow up. I know they'll visit but once or twice a year to see your grandbabies is not ok. That sucks! :( I wish she got more extended family time. But I guess it is what it is.

Mike found out we may not be at Campbell for the full 3 years. This is an air assault post & because Mike has a profile he can't go to Air Assault school, therefore they don't want him here. We just moved so we're guessing it'll be a little while before they'd move us, maybe another year and by then Mike is hoping he's ready for the school. He just needs to lose the weight & get physically better so he can do it. He asked where I wanted to go. He brought up Irwin(southern Ca) or Riley(Ks, my brother lives in Ks). Both of those are more for me & being closer to family. I've been to Irwin once & honestly I'd be fine without ever going back. It's in the middle of NOWHERE! But it's also 5-6 hours from HOME! Back Home! What would beat being so darn close to family. I could go stay with them for a week here or there, go to family gatherings, etc. Nothing would beat being SO close to them. Except that it'd be because of being stationed in Irwin. Riley, the only upside I know is being close to my brother and we're actually not that's close (relationship). I like seeing him & spending time with him but I don't know, we're different I guess. I'm closer to my sister than my brother. Anyways, so we may be leaving Campbell sooner than the 3 years but I guess time will tell on that. And where we go, who knows. I know Mike mentioned Bragg right after we got here so who knows, maybe it'd be Bragg. It needs to be where Mike wants to go or he won't be happy. Truly, it's his needs/wants above everything else and that kind of sucks but I know that's how it is. Like I said, if it's not where he wants, he won't be happy and that'd make for a miserable life.

Anyways, back to life. Bye blog world! :)

09 February 2014


I turned 30 yesterday, the big 3 0. Do I feel different? Yes. I know I'm the same person but I don't know, I feel like 30 is a big deal. 30 is ADULT, 30 is has your shit together or get it together. I've never been a partyer but it might've helped if Mike was. I get sleepy when I drink but I do, if I drink fast enough or enough alcohol get loud & become a babbler mouth. Hasn't happened in a few years. Now one drink & I'm ready for bed. Anyways, adult-hood. I feel like I should be doing something with my life & I know I'm not. Yes I'm a mother but I feel like I'm failing at that. I'm not happy with my life, with what I'm doing with it. I feel like I'm not contributing anything to this world. I won't get into the marriage aspect because that seriously needs work. On both sides. I'm more thinking of myself on this "what is your life", though my marriage a chunk of that.

Motherhood. Gosh, I'm bad at it. I thought "if only God would bless us, if only, I'd SHOW him! I'd show him how good of a mother I'd be. I wouldn't do all those things those bad mothers do". Pst! I don't pass my kids off on other people & I will never do that. Sorry, I wanted to be a mother & it's my job to be a full time mother. I'm comfortable leaving her with family to go out on an errand, for like an hour or two. And we did leave her for not even 48 hours, for our 10th Anniversary Getaway (which was only an hour away in case). But that's it. I've done tons of things I said I wouldn't though. I've yelled, I've gotten angry, I've ignored her, I've used tv as a babysitter or really, more as entertainment. It gets annoying not being able to walk without stepping over a kid, not being able to clean because miss brat is throwing a fit, being able to keep a room clean, having to clean the same room for the 3rd time that day or afternoon. Some nights I can't wait for her to go to sleep, most nights. I feel like a bad mom for all this. I feel like a bad mom & wife sorta that our 48 hour vacation was some of the best hours of my life. To be KID FREE! Our marriage was back to normal for those hours, I can relax for those hours. Then I think, oh my gosh, you LOVED the hours without your kid. I did. Our lives were back to the way it was before she came. Free! But would I trade her for our old life? No. I wanted her for a reason & I am so glad we were blessed. Am I bad mom? Reading this you'd definitely think yes, haha. And yes, sometimes I am a bad mom. I know it. But at times I'm a good mom, great mom even. But the bad mom moments always stick out to me. My kid is delayed on most things & I hear "its normal". Doesn't seem normal, how much longer it takes for her. I blame myself for it. Not because we don't work with her(we do), not because we don't encourage her(we definitely do), but there is some reason she's not getting it. Some reason she's behind. Anyways. I feel like a failure at motherhood.

Life/Career/Passion/ANYTHING! I feel like a personal failure. Because of my weight, my body, & no education. I don't have the strength or motivation to do anything. We don't go do things, fun things, because I'm in so much pain just walking for a few mins. I can shop, grocery shop, etc but an extended times. Carrying Katie hurts my back, walking around a zoo hurts my back immensely to where it locks up & I can barely move. I cleaned both bathroom & my very deep soaking tub killed my back to clean. I actually pulled something & have been in pain for 4 days. 4 fucking days! This weight is killing my back & I know I need to eat right & lose it. I need to exercise, but it hurts so bad. I've done it before & I know it involved so much pain & tears. Frustration & anger. But in a few months I was back to a normal human who could WALK & DO THINGS, FUN THINGS! I know I need to get on it, I want to be able to talk Katie to fun places, explore places to expand her mind. She's so smart & so curious. Other than weight, I'm doing nothing with my life. I didn't go to college, I don't do anything to make money. I liked photography & I liked cake decorating. Both are extremely physically taxing on your body. I thought (before we moved) I'll make bows, people always buy bows. Shoot, even if it was just for Katie to have a cute bow always. :) They can't be that hard right. :) Doesn't really interest me that much. Sounds interesting & fairly easy though, points for that. So, I think I'd like to get into cake decorating again but sadly know I couldn't handle the physical aspect. Oh, being on my feet that long & kneading/rolling fondant, or smoothing out butter cream. Big picture, I'm Lazy. I know I am. I need to change it. But it'll be hard. It'd also help if it wasn't freaking freezing here. Not getting above 32 all week & then highs of 38 all weekend. What the heck! Another excuse but a valid one at least. That is really cold.

So, I'm 30 & I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Other than my kid, who I do extremely love, I just want to be something more than just a mom. I want to feel like I actually bring something to this life/world/marriage. I don't know. Debby Downer right here.

12 August 2013


Our lives have changed so much this year, the last few years. I lost 30 lbs, got pregnant, gained a bunch but got to watch our miracle I prayed years for grow. Our miracle is now a year, WHAT! *cry cry* It was so bittersweet to celebrate her birth-day & her party. Her actual birthday was at an A's game, they lost, & her party was that Saturday (aug 3rd). It was so so so so bittersweet. My baby has grown. She doesn't like baby food & wants to feed herself. I don't have the patiences most of the time for her to spoon/fork feed herself but she's great with finger foods. She's a pretty good eater, variety wise, but I worry about the amount she eats. I knew exactly how much baby food she ate because I weighed it or the jar said so. Yes, I was lazy sometimes & used gerber. Also used the same jar to make baby food, so convenient! Now she feeds herself & seems she eats so little. It's frustrating. She's only gained, according to our scale, .2 lb in 7-8 weeks. GAIN KID GAIN!!! I thought for sure she'd be 15-15.5 lbs by now, she feels heavy. Nope, not even 15 (first thing in the morning). Her 1 year appt is today at 2 so she should have a good amount of food in her, definitely should be over 15 lbs. *Fingers crossed* She crawls like crazy & walks along furniture & toys. She's not too sure about the push-walker but we'll get there.

We lost a member of our family, Cinnamon. Cinn bit/attacked Katie so when we went to CA we gave her to Mike's brother. Katie only ended up with 3 little gashes & was completely fine. We couldn't keep Cinn & our options were putting her down or giving her to Mike's brother. He's always wanted her so it was our choice. Now I will tell you right now I don't give a rat's ass what you think we should've done. Most people think she should've been put down but she wasn't their dog & it wasn't their decision. It was ours & we made the one that felt right. Turns out brother expected a perfect dog & failed to realize she'd have issues after being uprooted from the life she's known for 3 years. We were her at least 3rd family & her longest family. It can't be easy. Also apparently she's left for long periods of time. Honestly I wish we would've put her down because she deserves better. I thought she was going to a family who had time for her & boatloads of love. They knew she needed a ton of attention & assured us she would get it. I don't know where she is, if they're still trying or not. I want to know but don't because it might not be a pretty situation. And I'm not talking for Cinn, I'm talking for me & what I may do. It didn't hit me, giving her up, until we got home. I miss her terribly & want her back. I know that's not an option, I can't have an aggressive dog around our daughter, but I wish it was. It's weird not having her here & I think there will always be a piece missing from my life. She was my dog-daughter & I expected to always have her.

Once again, I'm trying to get healthy. I let myself go badly and now that little miss is eating big people food and likes veggies/fruit I need to set an example. She wants to eat whatever you're eating so no more chips & crackers, no more junk. I have to share so I need to be eating something I'll feel good about sharing. Hopefully I can lost a grip of weight too!!! :)

Well that's it. Tschuess!