09 February 2014


I turned 30 yesterday, the big 3 0. Do I feel different? Yes. I know I'm the same person but I don't know, I feel like 30 is a big deal. 30 is ADULT, 30 is has your shit together or get it together. I've never been a partyer but it might've helped if Mike was. I get sleepy when I drink but I do, if I drink fast enough or enough alcohol get loud & become a babbler mouth. Hasn't happened in a few years. Now one drink & I'm ready for bed. Anyways, adult-hood. I feel like I should be doing something with my life & I know I'm not. Yes I'm a mother but I feel like I'm failing at that. I'm not happy with my life, with what I'm doing with it. I feel like I'm not contributing anything to this world. I won't get into the marriage aspect because that seriously needs work. On both sides. I'm more thinking of myself on this "what is your life", though my marriage a chunk of that.

Motherhood. Gosh, I'm bad at it. I thought "if only God would bless us, if only, I'd SHOW him! I'd show him how good of a mother I'd be. I wouldn't do all those things those bad mothers do". Pst! I don't pass my kids off on other people & I will never do that. Sorry, I wanted to be a mother & it's my job to be a full time mother. I'm comfortable leaving her with family to go out on an errand, for like an hour or two. And we did leave her for not even 48 hours, for our 10th Anniversary Getaway (which was only an hour away in case). But that's it. I've done tons of things I said I wouldn't though. I've yelled, I've gotten angry, I've ignored her, I've used tv as a babysitter or really, more as entertainment. It gets annoying not being able to walk without stepping over a kid, not being able to clean because miss brat is throwing a fit, being able to keep a room clean, having to clean the same room for the 3rd time that day or afternoon. Some nights I can't wait for her to go to sleep, most nights. I feel like a bad mom for all this. I feel like a bad mom & wife sorta that our 48 hour vacation was some of the best hours of my life. To be KID FREE! Our marriage was back to normal for those hours, I can relax for those hours. Then I think, oh my gosh, you LOVED the hours without your kid. I did. Our lives were back to the way it was before she came. Free! But would I trade her for our old life? No. I wanted her for a reason & I am so glad we were blessed. Am I bad mom? Reading this you'd definitely think yes, haha. And yes, sometimes I am a bad mom. I know it. But at times I'm a good mom, great mom even. But the bad mom moments always stick out to me. My kid is delayed on most things & I hear "its normal". Doesn't seem normal, how much longer it takes for her. I blame myself for it. Not because we don't work with her(we do), not because we don't encourage her(we definitely do), but there is some reason she's not getting it. Some reason she's behind. Anyways. I feel like a failure at motherhood.

Life/Career/Passion/ANYTHING! I feel like a personal failure. Because of my weight, my body, & no education. I don't have the strength or motivation to do anything. We don't go do things, fun things, because I'm in so much pain just walking for a few mins. I can shop, grocery shop, etc but an extended times. Carrying Katie hurts my back, walking around a zoo hurts my back immensely to where it locks up & I can barely move. I cleaned both bathroom & my very deep soaking tub killed my back to clean. I actually pulled something & have been in pain for 4 days. 4 fucking days! This weight is killing my back & I know I need to eat right & lose it. I need to exercise, but it hurts so bad. I've done it before & I know it involved so much pain & tears. Frustration & anger. But in a few months I was back to a normal human who could WALK & DO THINGS, FUN THINGS! I know I need to get on it, I want to be able to talk Katie to fun places, explore places to expand her mind. She's so smart & so curious. Other than weight, I'm doing nothing with my life. I didn't go to college, I don't do anything to make money. I liked photography & I liked cake decorating. Both are extremely physically taxing on your body. I thought (before we moved) I'll make bows, people always buy bows. Shoot, even if it was just for Katie to have a cute bow always. :) They can't be that hard right. :) Doesn't really interest me that much. Sounds interesting & fairly easy though, points for that. So, I think I'd like to get into cake decorating again but sadly know I couldn't handle the physical aspect. Oh, being on my feet that long & kneading/rolling fondant, or smoothing out butter cream. Big picture, I'm Lazy. I know I am. I need to change it. But it'll be hard. It'd also help if it wasn't freaking freezing here. Not getting above 32 all week & then highs of 38 all weekend. What the heck! Another excuse but a valid one at least. That is really cold.

So, I'm 30 & I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Other than my kid, who I do extremely love, I just want to be something more than just a mom. I want to feel like I actually bring something to this life/world/marriage. I don't know. Debby Downer right here.

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