A letter to my 21 yr old self

A friend wrote a letter to her 21 yr old self. I thought it was an interesting idea but also kind of stupid. Why write a letter to the person you were years ago. Her letter to herself pissed me off at points. I know she was writing about her own experiences & how she felt but some of the things seemed.... well, I won't say because I'm not trying to start drama, not that she'll read this but ok, whatever!

What I would tell myself if somehow, someway, my 21 yr old self could read this!!!

Dear Younger Me! First off, GET HEALTHY!!! Please please please for the sake of a healthier person, take charge & get healthy. Start to love exercise & eating better. You seriously just spiral down so far. It's not pretty. Food taste good now, to fix the bad, celebrate the good, etc but what it leads too is not worth it. I still need to take this advice.

Your marriage will get worse! Oh it will! But it also gets better. You do end up having great times & making great memories. Make good friends with MaryAnn now, she's a super sweet person! :) Also, what happened at your wedding, the mean hateful thing, will be apologized for. The relationship with certain people will get better but it'll never be that super close bond some lucky girls get. Other relationships don't even bother. It is not worth the pain inflicted on you because you're trying to be the better person & help. Just don't! Some people will always be self-centered & full of drama. Even when it's not your fault or you've done nothing wrong you will be blamed & be made to be the bad person. So yeah, don't even try to create that bond!

Baby names, Keep Your Darn Mouth SHUT!!! Trust me, trust me, trust me! Two separate people will use 2 names each you really like. Can you believe that? 2 separate people, each using 2 names on one child. For freaks sake Lisa, shut your trap! :) As for babies....you already somewhat know, you have a feeling, but yes, you will suffer with infertility & it will hurt like hell. A million immature, irresponsible, usually younger, people will get knocked up before you. You will see druggies, single parents, horrible parents, etc get knocked up time & time again before you, usually accidentally. Don't use food to heal the hurt because you will encounter A LOT OF IT! Also why I'm telling you to take care of yourself health wise! Fight the doctors to look past your weight & find the real issue. Because it is partially your weight but IT IS MORE! Your miracle will come. After many many many years, he/she will come.

Realize some friendship aren't real friendship. And cherish others! Jenny was a HUGE liar & it's frustrating but she will become the most caring loving person when you need her most! For her 22nd birthday don't be cheap & do party in a hotel room. It will be one of your biggest regrets if you don't. You will see her again but not in the way you think.

Deployments/Germany! You will encounter a few deployments & they majorly suck! You can make it through them. Your marriage will be strained & tested at times. Your marriage really is strong enough to make it through those. Germany, enjoy it more! Agree to travel with Mike, see more of that beautiful country.

Sincerely, 29 yr old you!

The bad side of Motherhood

I love being a mother & seeing my baby grow and blossom. I just moved her into her big girl carseat AKA convertible one which daddy was hesitant. I had to take the old one out before he'd use the big girl one, which takes up more room unfortunately! She now high chair sits at restaurants or in a shopping cart. She's nearly crawling & that's exciting! "Oh, you'll not be able to sit soon". She's all over now, what's the difference? She already goes after dog toys & she rolls every where.

So the downside, especially when you know babies about the same age. The stress & worry about whether your baby is progressing like she should. She's slower than everyone else. She has a cousin who is 2 months younger but bigger and more advanced. Cousin started sitting first & I think cousin is crawling or nearly crawling which is where Katie is. I feel like Katie is judged and it sucks. Katie is TINY for her age, well maybe not tiny but very small. I'm sorry my kid isn't a heffer, my kid isn't normal weight & height for her size. I'm sorry so & so is younger but in bigger clothes. My nearly 9 month(3 days shy) old just moved up to 6-9m clothes, which doesn't seem that behind really. They're big on her but 6m are tight. I know I judge her against other babies too. I feel like it's a reflection on me, like I'm doing something wrong. That sounds bad, what I mean is I feel like I'm failing her. All babies are different, I know. Katie also doesn't eat normal for her age. 20-24 oz of formula plus solids is what she should be eating. 24 is about her total for the day, with solids. About 50/50 solids/formula. Katie sleeps about 10 hrs a night & goes 12 hrs between feedings over night. (she usually gets a short burst of energy after night meal) Only leaves 12 hrs for meals, which is 4 of them. 3 of which include solids. She has her 9 month appt on Wednesday & I'll talk to the doctor but I'm not sure what I can do. All in all, I don't care if she doesn't eat as much or if she's behind other babies her age or even younger as long as the doctor is ok with it & she's healthy! All I want is for her to be healthy! It's hard not to judge your baby against other babies. But so & so is already doing this, so many babies are doing this already or so & so is younger and already doing this, why isn't Katie? Katie has NO desire to walk or bounce in toys. She's definitely going to be a late walker which might work out good for our move in September. Late, Early, gosh the stress. At least she's a good solids eater. She loves her solids & she loves her finger food snacks. That's one thing she's not behind on, my kid LOVES more advanced foods or maybe they're age appropriate foods. Just seems weird she's already eating finger foods/small chunks of food. Wasn't I just pregnant & awaiting her arrival? It goes fast, that's for sure.

Welp, rant/whine/blog over. I hate insomnia!

Who is in the house?!

I've had experiences in this house & Mike always thinks I'm crazy. "You were asleep", "You're paranoid", "It's in your head". What's funny is when people actually talk about it a lot of people have had experiences. So, fast forward! About a week ago Mike turned it to this show about spirits or weird experiences. I'm always afraid to watch these shows because I'm afraid it's going to spark activity. The one story I remember about this show a week(ish) ago is about a man trying to pay a bill late at night & 2 "kids" walk up to his car. They want a ride but he's cautious & won't let them in. Turns out "kids" are evil, no eyed, spirits or whatever the heck. So, since that show little things have happened here. Things not being where I left them-ok, I'm absent minded & I really didn't leave them where I thought. A few days ago though things I can't explain started. It started Saturday. Our hallway is shaped like an upside down L. I was holding Katie on the couch & she kept staring down the hallway, towards the corner. She'd stared for a long time & then look at me, then stare again for a long time, then look at me. She did this for probably 5 mins. She was seeing something & I don't know if it's good or bad and that scares me. Sunday I was going to make a pb&j so I went to get the peanut butter & noticed the lid was off. Now, it's on the top shelf & I haven't used it in quite a while. But ok, lid wasn't screwed. That'd be fine except the lid was sitting on top of the cracker box which wasn't behind the pb until the day before. I got groceries & slide the box behind the pb. So, that was really weird & I'm sure some people could say me moving the box hit the jar just right to make the lid fall. But you can't explain my child staring down the hall for 5 mins & looking at me with an unsure face. I even tried to distract her & make her smile, which she did but then she stared back down the hall. She saw something, someone was there. And you better believe every night I pray/tell any bad/harmful spirits to get out of my house & away from my family. Also pray for protection. Brings us to today. I smell cigarette smoke, in the corner area of the hallway. At first it was very faint but it's something you know it when you smell it. I'm putting up folded clothes & each time I walk by it's stronger. I switched out Katie's clothes for larger one (could've waited, she still fit in 6m but I'm in a cleaning frame of mind lately. Probably because we'll have company in just over 1.5 weeks) & when I walked through the area again it had moved more to our room. Before I started the Katie clothes task I said "I know someone is here so somehow let me know who you are". Then I sat on the floor pulling out the smaller clothes which took about 5 mins. I left to get bigger clothes & when I walked back into our room smelled the strong smoke, like whoever is here was watching me. My first thought is my grandma Peggy, she's just the first one I think of when I think of spirits visiting. I've dreamt visited Jenny but I don't think she smoked. I believe grandma Peggy did. I think a few people did so it could be someone else but who knows. I wish I could communicate with loved ones and obviously someone is here. Katie has seen them & I've smelled them.

October

Life has been hectic, that's for sure. We went to Ca on September 17th & came home October 1st. We spent the first week at my parent's house & the second at Mike's parents. It was mostly a good visit but it seems every time we go home Mike & I leave feeling weird. I won't go into details but I guess there is always a sense of disappointment with some part of the visit each time we go home. Oh well I guess, such is life & we need to just focus on our lives. We have a beautiful daughter & she is now our lives. Katie did get to meet some amazing people! My dad was crazy about her & she was of course crazy about him. She "talked" so much to him & really only him. She'd "talk" to other people but not like she did with my dad. She also got to meet her great-grandpa & he got to meet her, the first great-granddaughter of the family. I have some amazing pictures of our visit to see Papa. :)

Our Bug-a-lug is now about 9 lbs. She was 8lbs 6oz & 20.25 inches long on October 2nd. She was about 8lbs 13oz on the 9th. The 9th weigh is a guesstimate from weighing myself, then myself with her on our scale. She's growing so big & changing so much! She's talking more & more and smiles more. In 3 short days she'll be 11 weeks/2.5 months old. Where has the time gone?! My baby girl! At 10 weeks old I finally packed up her newborns. She's now in 0-3 month clothes! At 9 weeks I moved her up to size 1 diapers. Off-brand size 1's because pamper 1's are ginormous still. I'm amazed how long she stayed in newborn diapers & clothes though honestly she could've moved up a few weeks ago. I was just holding on. 0-3's fit her pretty well already. :) Hopefully we make it to 4 months before having to move her up to size 3m or 3-6. Yes, I'm trying to hold onto my tiny baby!

Health. Man, it's time to kick our butts into shape. Seriously!!! I'm still extreme-slowly losing but I need to lose real weight. I'd like to lose about 20 lbs by Christmas. Before pregnancy I had lost 28 lbs, gained it all back during pregnancy & I've lost all of that plus 2-3 lbs. That's all good but I don't look like I did a year ago. I know pregnancy changes your body but I'm not happy with it. In my mind I look pregnant. Not happy with that so I need to change it. I plan to start walking with Mike when he gets back from Utah. He's there for a work/training thing & gets home tomorrow. I know Mike will be completely on board with losing weight & eating healthier because I know he's not happy with himself either. Plus, we need to be good examples for our daughter. We need to eat healthy before she starts eating solid foods so she'll be eating the same things as us & not healthier than us. :)

Welp, that's about it. Here are a few photos from Tuesday. Miss Katie's 10 week birthday!

Month 2

We have entered our second month as parents. Tomorrow Kate will be 5 weeks old which isn't real. She's getting SOOOOO big & it makes me sad. At her month appt last Tuesday she weighed 6 lbs 9oz & was 19 inches long. I don't think she really stretched her out though because she had to of grown more than 1/4 inch in 2 weeks. She grew 1.5 inches in her first 2 weeks & she seems so much longer than 19 inches. She's getting so heavy too. I'm amazed how heavy she feels. She's still a good baby but she fusses way more than before. Sometimes she just needs her daddy though. I can rock, bounce, pat, jiggle her for an hr but daddy takes over and 5 mins later she's asleep. Grrrr! It's quite frustrating. My patience has grown though, I don't get as frustrated or overwhelmed during her crying fits now. Mike's patience is still growing, he gets frustrated quickly but he sticks with it now instead of handing her back off. :) She's still in newborn clothes & newborn diapers. I will sad when we need to move up to size 1 diapers & bigger clothes. Thankfully I do have some bigger newborn clothes so I can pretend my baby isn't growing so quickly. She's still in the smaller ones but when needed we can switch to the slightly bigger ones and Mommy can take happiness that Kate is still wearing newborn clothes. :)

Weight is not still coming off. "Breastfeeding melts the weight off" my ass! I've stayed the same weight for 2 weeks now. Not sure how Mike is doing but he's been gyming it.

CA! We'll hopefully be going in 2 weeks. My wound isn't healing quite as fastly as hoped. It's about half closed & it's been a month. Currently *TMI-maybe* it's 3.75 inches wide & 1.75 inches deep. It's infected too because some dumbass nurse didn't use proper hygeine practices when changing & repacking my wound. It now has 2 infections & I'm on 2 meds to fight it. We found out about 1 infection & quickly the wound started looking better but this weekend it started looking worse & come to find out it had developed a second infection. Grrr! We called off the CA trip because of infection 1(& other reasons) but once it started getting better I pushed for going again. Then infection 2.... So we'll see. I am worried about going home while the wound is still open but I really really want my dad to meet his granddaughter. Mike's parents have met her & my mom & sister have met her but the one person I desperately want to meet her is my dad. I also want her to meet her great-grandpa Papa(Fred) & also Mimi. She is their first great-granddaughter & all. :) I know other people want to meet her too but the 2/3 people I care about her meeting are my dad & the great-grandparents. :)

Well, I guess that's all. I guess I should get back to baby girl. I think I'll always call her baby girl.